NeonApple

Monday, January 09, 2006

Plus Size Life

Hi! I am what "normal" people would label as a fat or plus size individual. I have been labeled as"overweight" since I was in first grade. When I look back at pics of me from this era in the early 80's, I look like a normal active kid. Not a young girl who should be dressed in husky boys clothing - yet that was me. Over since then my parents and family would say things like "She has such a pretty face." - "Oh such a shame." - and my favorite as a 120 lb 12 year old girl hearing from my mom - "Honey if you stay this exact weight for the rest fo your life you will be beautiful." - What the heck is that supposed to mean to a 12 year old??!

In 8th grade I began my first "diet" - I was finishing Catholic school (another blog is definately necessary to discuss this topic alone) - I wanted more than anything for a boy to notice me - more than anything I just wanted someone to notice me and then dare to dream love me. So for two weeks I ate no carbs to "jump start" my metabolism. Did Richard Simmons Sweatin to the Oldies. And then began Weight Watchers with my girlfriend.

A normal day of food would be:

NO Breakfast or rarely: 1/2 cup skim milk, 1/2 cup OJ. 1 cup cereal
Lunch: 1 hot dog, 1 packet ketchup, carrot sticks
Dinner: Iceberg Lettuce Salad and Fat Free Dressing

By the end of the school year I had lost 50 lbs starving myself basicly. I was so proud at 135lbs. When I went to High School boys noticed me, I had friends. No one riduculed me, teased me, or called me names like thunder thighs, whale, or fattie anymore.

I finally felt "normal"! I remember going to bed hungry each night and thinking that "this is worth it to be thin". I couldn't sleep on my stomach because me hip bones protruded and hurt me. (TO this day my mother will never admit that I may have been to skinny - she says I should have lost more.)

I rember thinking " nor I am normal I can eat normally like everyone else" - Boy was I wrong. By the end of high school I weighed 200 lbs and barely fit into a size 18.

By the time I got married at age 25 I was 280 lbs. Now at age 30 I am 305 lbs. Keep in mind it wasn't always an upward journey - I did Weight Watchers several times, Jenny Craig once, and took the prescription Meridia. Each time I lost 30-50 lbs and would then gain it all back. At my highest weight I was 319 lbs.

So now here I am at 305, with a husband who loves me, a job I sometimes like and often just tolerate, and am starting to begin the Schwarzbein Principle program (a low carb program that doesnt' eliminate carbs completely but focuses on eating real whole foods).

So as for "Plus Size Living" aside froma few years in high school my entire life has been led in a "plus size" body.

Things I hate about weighing what I do:

* Needing an extender seat belt for air planes & the fact that I own my own because I hated asking the flight attendant for one each time I flew.

* Feeling uncomfortable in air plane seats and at the movies.

* Only being able to shop through catalogs or at Lane Bryant or the Avenue

* Joints that hurt

* Being winded after walking distances or up stairs.

* Feeling embarrassed every time I eat because if I am this fat then of course she doesn't need to eat any more.



THEN I THINK NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT I WANT TO FEEL BETTER, HEAL MY METABOLISM, AND LOVE MYSELF. SO i WANT TO START LIVING A LIFE THAT IS PLUS SIZED AND NOT FEEL PLUS SIZED!

Here I'll chonicle my journey while hopefully losing weight, feeling better, and learning more about myself from the inside out through my therapy.

I won't use my real name but you can call me by my online persona, NeonApple.

Thanks for reading!

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home